Mixed emotions

I've been here with my family a little over a week now and I don't quite know how to express these mixed emotions.... being here together is like a dream, and real life is this nightmare of a situation we are in. I believe that the nightmare is temporary, but for this trip I feel the dread of knowing at some point I'm going to wake up, and be home again and separated from those I love the most.
     I'm actually mad, that Maya has forgotten so much English - she's continually asking "Papi como se dice ___ en ingles?" and "when can we go back to our yellow house in Washington" she doesn't always understand me or say things correctly in English... but at the same time I'm grateful for her Spanish education and smooth integration. I'm jealous that I'm missing so much of Catalina's development, it feels like I don't even know her, not the way a mother should. I can't put into words how it feels to have to ask Rafael things I should know, like how much milk does she drink, or is she ready for her nap? Yet I am so thankful that he is able to be a present parent, it is incredible to see the relationship the girls have with him & how loving and caring he is with our daughters.
      Every feeling I have is so mixed.  It's very difficult to be the mommy I need to be, faithful in schedule and discipline, when my days with them are numbered. It's hard to talk about serious things with my husband when it feels like we should make the most of our short time together. I just miss the family that we built, that can now only function together during these visits. I want nothing more than to have my girls grow up in the two parent household we built, and the forced distance between us is harder than I can put into words.
     It gets harder each time I have to leave my family again, but at the same time it has doubled my resolve! When I get back to what used to be home, I bring with me renewed strength and determination to continue doing whatever is necessary in this fight to get my family back.